


Who We Were Before

by tatersalad5001



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Canon Typical Swearing, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, i have no idea how dnd works so take that as you will, i'm not gonna sit here and pretend i know how dnd works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatersalad5001/pseuds/tatersalad5001
Summary: After it was over, neither of the twins were the same again.They regained the things they lost, yes. Freedom, a body, memories, family. But none of that magically made the time they'd lost everything go away.





	Who We Were Before

After it was over, Lup wasn’t the same again.

She was freed from the umbrastaff and got a body back again, yes. But it was like she’d become a weaker shell of her former self.

The last time she, Kravitz, and Barry had gone out on a job for the Raven Queen, their targets resisted. Most did. One of their targets cast a spell. Lup couldn’t even remember now what spell it was, but as she prepared to counter it with fire, the flickering light of the flames so close to her dissolved her defense. Not enough that she couldn’t protect herself and then some, mind you. These hotshots were nothing compared to Lup, she didn’t need someone else to protect her. But her eyes stung, pain throbbed through her head, weakening her spells just enough to make this harder than it had to be. She shouldn’t have had any slack for Kravitz and Barry to have to pick up, it was damn near infuriating.

The job before that, one of their targets was a bard, and the high-pitched noise of his flute had her head screaming and her ears ringing for days.

It certainly made it difficult for Lup to do her fucking job. The Raven Queen demanded more and more breaks from Lup while they all tried to figure out what was happening. It was nice that the boss was understanding and knew she really was trying her best, but when even things at home were setting her off, it was hard to know what to do about it.

What the fuck, she was Lup, she was supposed to be better than this.

It had been years, but after she’d been deprived of her senses in the umbrastaff, had to fight for awareness of any part of the world, having it all around her so easily all the time was apparently still too much.

“What’s with this getup?” Taako snorted at her.

Lup winked at him from behind yellow-tinted glasses. “It’s called fashion, babe, ever heard of it?”

All she’d wanted was to be alive and free in the world again, and now she spent most of her time trying to escape it. Talk about your cruel twists. Even hiding away from everything wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be.

“You awake, babe?” Barry poked his head through the door. “I’m making breakfast, you want any?”

Lup craned her head up just enough to figure out the time. “How did I sleep for twelve fucking hours?”

How did she keep sleeping that long?

“How’re you doing?” Barry asked her a different day as she stumbled towards the kitchen.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she mumbled, but she pushed through it to make them a top notch breakfast, because as terrible as she felt, she couldn’t just never do anything.

She couldn’t stand how limited she was most of the time. Constantly stuck between sleeping nonstop and not at all. Elves could get by without sleep as long as they meditated, but in the cases of the latter, even meditation escaped her.

“Why do I always feel like ass?” she whined to Barry one night as every part of her head roared back at her. “I feel so useless, I can’t... It’s been years. I shouldn’t still be struggling like this.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it, babe.” Barry rubbed her back with one of his hands.

“Why can’t I just be normal about this? You lost your body, too, but you don’t fucking die at every little noise and sound around you.”

“I wasn’t trapped in your umbrella,” Barry reminded her. “I wasn’t deprived of everything. I still had the freedom to do something about what was happening. I went between having a body and losing it so often, between remembering and forgetting, that my memory can be bad sometimes. But it’s not a contest. It’s not your fault that you’re struggling.”

“I just want it to stop.” Lup squeezed her eyes shut. “I just want to be able to sleep normally, to just get through days without getting overloaded. It shouldn’t be this hard just to survive.”

We’ll figure it out,” Barry promised. “We won’t stop trying until we figure something out. There has to be some way to make it stop, or to at least make it easier to manage. I’m not giving up until we find it. I won’t let you, either.”

Lup leaned back with a sigh. “You’re the best, babe. I won’t give up either, I promise. I’m sure there’s something we can do. Even if it sucks, I’ll keep going.”

“There’s no question about it, it looks like it sucks pretty bad.” Barry stood up. “I’ll get some ice.”

“Thanks,” Lup mumbled. “And, you know, even on the days you can’t remember well, I’m here for you, too.”

It fucking sucked. She wasn’t the same, even after she got her body back, even when she should’ve been used to it. She wasn’t sure she ever would be.

Barry had heard her complain about it more times than she could count. He was a good listener.

It helped that she wasn’t alone, though.

* * *

After it was over, Taako wasn't the same again.

He realized he had a family and got his memories back, yes. But it was like he'd become merely an echo of his former self.

Even though he remembered who he was before they showed up on this miserable plane now, remembered he'd never really been alone, that didn't erase the time he spent after losing those memories, before working for the BoB. It didn't erase the time he spent on his own, believing he was always alone, that he could never trust anyone else. Fuck, Magnus and Merle got to find happiness out of it! They got to have families. All Taako got was blood on his hands, his reputation ran through the mud with no company except bitter loneliness. Better that than staying around Sazed, he'd later realized.

Sure, he didn't poison the food himself, accidental or not. That didn't change the fact that he was Sazed's target, not the audience. That didn't change the fact that Taako fed innocent people their deaths. It could've been him.

It was safer to be alone. The only companion he'd had in a lifetime tried to kill him, so alone he was more likely to stay alive. Other people died when he tried to make something of his life with another person, so alone no one was going to get hurt. It was what he knew best, anyway. So he stayed that way until he entered that damn bar.

It was a fucking lie, of course, that he'd grown up alone. But he'd still lived that lie and there was still a part of him that was that person.

Lup was back. They found Lup again, she was back and alive and none of them could've been happier. Except Taako barely knew how to fucking talk to her half the time, and she knew he'd become an ass of a brother. He knew that she knew. They all did, probably. Taako barely knew how to talk to anyone most of the time, about anything, from the latest book someone was reading to opening up about his feelings and shit. Sometimes he tried to play the part of Taako, you know, from TV, and act like his normal self. At other times, it was easier just to avoid people. Not talk to them. 

Why would anyone else in the IPRE want to talk to him, anyway? After arriving in this plane, they all tried to do good for the world, and he'd just become a huge failure.

It wasn't even really like he didn't want to talk to them or anything. It wasn't like he didn't want to talk to anyone. He did. He just still didn't know how, and it'd been years, and he really should've figured it out by now but somehow he hadn't. It took so much energy, too, mentally and emotionally, that he didn't really have. Even just to answer his stone of farspeech. 

"No one thinks you're a failure. Except you, apparently." Kravitz fixed him with that classic 'are you actually serious' look. "Why wouldn't anyone want to keep in contact with you?"

"I don't even recognize myself when I talk half the time. Everything was taken from me, and while I'm still trying to figure out who I am and pick up the pieces, everyone else's moved on."

Kravitz placed a hand against Taako's chin, lightly rubbing his thumb along Taako's cheek. "Honestly, love, that's bullshit."

Taako huffed. "Lay some facts on me, then, Grim Truther. Didn't realize that the Raven Queen was the goddess of facts."

"You know the facts better than me." Kravitz laughed. "Really. Lup's still having a hard time facing the world around her. Barry has moments where he forgets all his most important memories still. Davenport has days where he can barely talk. Lucretia still can't forgive herself for everything. I could keep going if you like, you've certainly told me enough about how they're doing. I don't mind. They're all important to you, you worry because you care. I enjoy listening to you talk about the things that matter to you."

"Lucretia's not the only one who can't forgive Lucretia." Taako shook his head. "It's all understandable for them. Lup was cut off, she had to work hard just to get any sense of what was happening outside that umbrella. Barry kept losing and regaining his body over and over, having to repeatedly remember and forget. Davenport lost everything except his name. It all makes sense for them. I could never blame them for that, no one should. I'm just some whiney loser who doesn't even know how to be friends anymore."

"You were forced into a life where you thought you had nothing and no one. Even if it was a lie, it still had an impact on who you are. Anyone would be hurt from that. And, you don't have to forgive."

No, Taako didn't. He was just as harsh on Lucretia as Lucretia herself was. She was the one who rewrote his life, who forced him into solitude. He might never be able to forgive that, and he wasn't too torn up about it.

But, that didn't mean they couldn't be a part of each other's lives at all.

"An entire century," Lucretia said, "And I never tried to ask either of you to teach me how to cook."

"You were too busy trying to write about everything to try to experience it yourself," Taako reminded her. "Now, come on, this is going to change your world. It's called a taco and it helped save the entire plane."

He couldn't forgive her, and they couldn't go back to how things were before. But he still cared about her. She was still family, just as much as the rest of the IPRE. He still wanted to hang out with her. Once in awhile, anyway.

It fucking sucked. He wasn’t the same, even after he got his family back, even when he should’ve remembered how to be part of it. He wasn’t sure he ever would be.

It helped that he wasn't truly alone, though.

 


End file.
